Hello?
Hola?
Bonjour?
Chinese hello?
Hello?
Ripped By mstoll
Home, sweet home.
I think I'm sophisticated
'Cause I'm living my life like a good Homo sapien
But all around me, everybody's multiplying
And they're walking around like flies, man
So I'm no better
Than the animals sitting in their cages
In the zoo, man
Because compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees
I am an Apeman
I'm an Apeman, I'm an Ape-Apeman
Oh, I'm an Apeman
I'm a King Kong man, and an Ape-Apeman
Oh, I'm an Apeman
Come on and love me
Be my Apeman girl
And we'll be so happy
In my Apeman world
I'm an Apeman, I'm an Ape-Apeman
Oh, I'm an Apeman
I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voodoo man
Oh, I'm an Apeman
Just like an Apeman
Boop!
Hello, God. First of all, apologies for all the recent masturbation,
but I got to say, that's kind of on you.
So I just got back from traveling around the country,
looking for anyone who might have survived the virus.
I put up a bunch of signs all over the place, saying that I'm here in Tucson.
So, uh, you know, who knows?
And it's not all bad.
I mean, in the old world, I could never live in a house like this.
And these are Hugh Hefner's actual pajamas.
Yeah.
I washed them.
There are some drawbacks. I know you know that.
The whole women situation is the craps.
If you could send some my way, or one my way.
Oh! One more thing.
If you could please send a special thank you to the previous owner of my new house.
Just let him know I'm gonna take real good care of this place.
Fixing the toilet. Fixing the toilet. Fixing the toilet.
Salud!
That's a $10,000 bottle of wine, by the way.
Goes great with the SpaghettiOs.
That was, like, a $400 sip.
Not as good.
Sun, shine on me today
Split.
Sun, dry my tears away
How I need your warm embrace to shine up on my crying face
Well, sun, shine on me today
Sun, give me a little light
Take me out of this stocking night
You know what a little light can do
You change the sky from black to blue
Sun, shine on me today
No way. No way! That would never happen!
That's all that's left. - That is so stupid.
I got news for you, Tom Hanks.
I will never ever talk to a volleyball.
- No, we have time. We do! We have time. - Not buying it.
- Balls aren't people, dude. - I know.
Balls are for fun.
Hey! Okay, I get it.
Nobody's coming! You're not giving me anybody.
Well, guess what? I don't even care. I don't need people. Okay?
I can make it work on my own. Watch me! Watch me!
Hey, Phil, what's up?
Oh, I'm great, Phil. How are you?
Oh, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for asking.
See? I'm already doing it.
Ha!
I don't need people. I'm gonna be just fine.
Morning, Phil. How are you, Phil?
Fine, Phil. How are you, Phil? I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
Take the jib sail down, boys
Take the jib sail down
Turn this ship around, boys, before we run aground
The fish aren't bitin' today, boys
Fish aren't bitin' today
I'm gonna lay on my bunk and get drunk as a skunk
'Cause the fish aren't bitin' today
There's six-foot waves
And my stomach craves some good old Antiguan rum
I put some away for a rainy day
And the rain, she is startin' to come now
Fish aren't bitin' today, boys, fish aren't bitin' today
I'm gonna lay on my bunk and get drunk as a skunk
'Cause the fish aren't bitin' today
Hey, what's up?
Just had to get out of the house. It's been a rough day.
Hey, can I have a whiskey? You want a whiskey, Gary? Whiskey?
You sure? How about you, Jimmy?
No? Okay, well, does anyone want a whiskey? Huh?
Greg? Kevin? Antawn?
No? Really? Nobody? Trevor?
Terrence? Trent? Darby?
Bryce? Marshall? Peter? Thomas? Max?
Dashiel? Diego? Clementine?
Nobody wants a whiskey? Okay, well, more for me.
Jerry, now, you look like you lost a little weight.
What, are you exercising, skipping carbs?
Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. Okay. Cheersies.
I miss breakfast burritos.
Getting mail.
Skinny jeans on dudes.
Just kidding. Skinny jeans on dudes suck.
People. And women.
Oh, my God, women.
I would give anything to see another woman again.
I would never complain about anything ever again
if I just got to see one more woman.
Hey, Gary, you want to come hang at my place tonight?
I mean... Shut up, guys.
That's really homophobic, Bryce. Even for you.
That's her.
Well, I don't know her name. I've never talked to her.
Gary, there's nothing you can say that'd convince me to go talk to her, okay?
That's a pretty convincing argument.
Don't honk the horn.
Windows, right?
My friend Gary dared me to come say hi to you.
He's in the truck, the white fella.
So, anyway, hello, I guess.
Actually, I saw you a long time ago,
and I always wanted to come say hi, but, well, I don't know, I just, uh...
It never felt like the right time.
I like your outfit. You make good style choices.
Sorry, I'm being so forward.
It's just I've been through a lot lately.
I just realized that having other people around
is really what makes life worth living.
Where are my manners? I'm Phil.
You win. You win.
Well, in about two minutes, we will lay to rest Phil Miller.
Uh...
I'm sorry for giving up.
Oh! And I just got to say, huge apology to Tom Hanks
and the whole crew that put together Cast Away.
'Cause they nailed it. They friggin' nailed it.
You guys were the best friends that I could ask for.
But you're not people.
You're not people.
Hello? Hello? Are you okay?
Uh, I think so.
- Where'd you get here? What happened? - I saw all your billboards.
I thought I was...
Your voice is like... It's like music to my ears.
- May I sing to you? - Yeah, I would love that.
If there's something strange In your neighborhood
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters
I ain't afraid of no ghost
Is this a dream?
This is very, very real.
What are you... You like to plug that nose up?
What? What's going...
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - I was doing mouth-to-mouth.
Where did that woman go?
You passed out, you wet your underpants.
- I thought you were dying. - I did not wet my underpants, okay?
They're... Oh, they're wet. Ew. Super wet.
But that was from something else before.
I just thought that you were in trouble...
Well, you thought wrong. That was from something else before.
- I told you. - I'm not accusing you...
I'm not saying you're accusing me.
- I'm telling you they were wet before. - Okay, okay. Oh, gosh!
- Okay, back up! Back up! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Put your hands where I can see them. - Okay, okay, okay...
- Hands where I can see them. - Okay, okay.
- Drop my bra. - Okay, okay, okay.
No! Drop it!
Gross.
- Are you nice? - What?
- Are you a nice person? - Okay, yes, yes! I'm really nice.
I'm very, very, very nice. I'm so nice, seriously.
I promise you. There is nothing to be afraid of.
- Nothing of which to be afraid. - But I just said that.
You can't end sentences with prepositions.
"Nothing of which to be afraid" is the proper grammar.
- Fine, yes, okay. There's nothing of which... - Yes. That's better.
You good with that? ...of which to be afraid. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm. - You can trust me, seriously.
Honestly? I did wet my underpants.
They were totally dry before and I soaked them.
- I soaked them. - Why did you lie to me?
'Cause I'm an adult and I wet my underpants.
Are you the one who put up all those "Alive in Tucson" signs?
Yes! Yes! That was me. That was me. I did that.
Look, I'm harmless, okay? Why don't you put that gun away?
What do you need that gun out for?
Don't you mean, "Out for what do you need that gun?"
- Okay, that can't be right. - It is.
No, come on.
No, no, no. You don't have to cock that thing.
Fine. Look.
"Out for what do you need that gun?"
I'm not gonna hurt you. Why don't you put that thing away?
- There you go. - I'm a quick draw. So watch yourself.
- Thank you, thank you. Can we start over? - Yeah, okay.
Phil Miller. Last man on Earth.
Carol Pilbasian. Last woman on Earth.
Amen
Amen, amen
Amen
Amen, amen
Amen
Ripped By mstoll